Esther Perel on boosting intimacy in long-term relationships

If you've hit a rut in your relationship, you may have heard the solution is to re-establish intimacy.

But what exactly is intimacy, beyond simply talking and physical touch, and how do you establish a deeper connection in the long term?

World-renowned relationship psychotherapist and podcast host Esther Perel shared her insights on what intimacy really means, and how long-term couples can reconnect, on ABC podcast Ladies, We Need to Talk.

'Body and words': What we mean by intimacy

Intimacy has meant different things in different cultures and in different eras, says Ms Perel. But today, intimacy is about really feeling seen, heard and validated.

It's about a partner sharing their "inner life", including their feelings, worries, anxieties, dreams and aspirations.

Through this communicative experience, Ms Perel says, people can transcend their sense of "existential aloneness".

But she cautions against understanding intimacy only in terms of conversation.

"Too often, we reduce it to talking," she says.

"Sometimes the body speaks — and that also is a form of intimacy.

Are you ignoring your partner's 'bids for connection'?

In a society where we can feel pulled in different direction by work, kids, social commitments — and yes, our phones — it can feel easy to subtly disconnect from your partner.

"The interesting part about modern loneliness is that it's not just about being socially isolated," says Ms Perel.

"You know, scrolling away on social while you're sitting next to them."

Don't panic if you can relate to this scenario. Ms Perel says it's common for relationships to go through stages of disconnection. But the important thing is to have enough moments of re-connection.

"Relationships are continuously going through the dance of connecting, disconnecting, reconnecting. That's the rhythm," she explains.

She points to American psychologist John Gottman's theory around what he calls "bids for connection": moments where a partner turns to the other and tries to engage (for example, by mentioning something they've read).

Sometimes the other partner doesn't engage and "you have a full sense that you've been talking to the wind", explains Ms Perel.

"But if instead I turn around and I say, 'Tell me more, that seems really interesting. And then what happened?' That is a bid for connection."

If most bids are ignored or shut down, the relationship can suffer: "Sometimes you become frustrated. And sometimes you start to become passive aggressive. And sometimes you retaliate. And sometimes you close up and shut down."

"That is what people describe as loneliness in a relationship" — and she says it's a common reason couples seek therapy.

John Gottman's studies have found that happily married couples turn towards each other's bids 86 per cent of the time. Couples who had either broken up or remained together but were unhappy responded to these bids only 33 per cent of the time.

So while a relationship can survive without enough of these intimacy-forming connections, those relationships aren't "thriving", Ms Perel says.

Reigniting intimacy in the bedroom

While sex isn't enough to reignite intimacy on its own, re-establishing intimacy in sex is part of the equation.

So how can couples re-introduce it?

Intimate sex can start with couples showing a willingness to connect in other ways that make them feel close.

"You say to your partner, 'If you made me laugh, I think I would be a lot more interested — this is way too serious.' And then you say, 'OK, let's tell stories or let's cook together or let's whatever you want to do.'"

Reducing the emphasis on sexual desire can also help, she says.

"Sex doesn't just start because you have desire. It may start because there's a touch that suddenly awakens you. It feels nice. You want another touch. And then from that you become aroused and from that arousal you become desirous. It's circular," she says.

She also cautions against couples focusing only on penetrative sex with the end goal of orgasm.

"Sex isn't just, you have a five-minute warm-up foreplay towards the real thing, and the real thing ends when you have an orgasm.

"If we broaden the definition of sex and we make it not about the measurable outcome, but we make it about just a fun, pleasurable connecting experience, then a lot of things start to feel like they are sexual. And they have to do with kissing and tickling and nibbling and stroking and caressing and pinching and slapping.

Intimacy is making yourself vulnerable, not expecting mind-reading

One common myth about intimacy that Ms Perel wants to expel: That it's about mind-reading.

It's a "distortion of intimacy" to expect the other partner to know what you want without having been told, she says.

"This hyper-romanticisation of being so known that I don't even have to tell you who I am — that's a problem of intimacy," says Ms Perel.

Instead of expecting your partner to instinctively know your needs, try making yourself vulnerable and telling them what's going on with you.

"Intimacy is [being] vulnerable," she explains.

"Vulnerability is what you experience when you feel exposed, when you allow somebody in. It's the opposite of defensive and walled off".